My in-laws never bring my daughter home on time. I’ve been dealing with this for nine years and it’s time for it to stop.

Our advice columnists have heard it over the years. So today we’re diving into the Care and Feeding archives to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Do you have a question about care and feeding? Submit it here.

Dear care and feeding,

My in-laws were delighted when I gave birth to their first grandchild. Not with me, I mean – they could take me or leave me – but with the kid. They come from a culture where grandchildren are valued and they have been extremely attached to my child since day one. When she was a few months old, they offered to take her for two weeks so I could “relax.” Overwhelmed and tired, I accepted. Three weeks later, I was told they would bring her back “when they had time” but that I would be allowed to drive 13 hours to pick her up myself (even though they knew my ex and I were too poor to do so). They sent her back after a total of six weeks. I missed my first Mother’s Day with her, and that was just the beginning.

Over the past nine years, it has never been returned to me on time. Sometimes there are weeks of delay, sometimes hours; They once visited her and told her they were taking her to dinner with a family friend, but ended up bringing her back the next morning. I thought it was over when we moved to another country, but I agreed to let my child spend the summer with his grandparents and father. Together we set a specific date when my child and his father would return. Two days before, there was a minor problem with the timing, and the grandparents changed everyone’s flights to later in the week without telling me.

This was the final straw for me, and I almost spent $2,000 to pick up my child myself just to make a point before a friend talked me out of it. I made it clear that my child would no longer be going on trips with her grandparents and that if they wanted to spend time with her, they could do so when and where I could watch her and bring her home with me.

Am I harsh? The father of my child thinks so. His grandparents definitely think so. But I spent almost a decade feeling like I was in a Lifetime TV movie called Give me back my daughter.

—Feeling like Liam Neeson

Dear FLLN,

I don’t think I need to lecture you about the need to nip things in the bud in the future, because you’ve almost certainly spent the last few years beating yourself up for not setting better boundaries. You are not harsh; You were too patient! Did you address each late return as it came, or did you let it pass without comment?

Either way, you must be a little be careful from now on. Grandparent rights are generally not a real legal issue, but depending on where you live, a history of what LOOKS like a virtual separation of custody and not just a series of lengthy visitations may land you in trouble if their visitation rights are abruptly terminated. It is worth finding out in your country and, if you are concerned, speaking to a local family law lawyer.

Regardless of these considerations, since your child spends a lot of time with his grandparents, it would be better for him if you moved back a little more slowly. My recommendation is that you two form a matching set in the future. Do you want to see my daughter? Looks great, I’ll bring my tennis racket.

Deciding that her days of solo visits are over until she is old enough to leave on her own is exceptionally reasonable. As long as your daughter says she was treated well and lovingly during these visits, back off slowly and carefully (and firmly) without causing a lot of conflict that might arise. She will find the path forward confusing and overwhelming.

—Nicole Cliffe

From: My ex’s in-laws always find ways to keep my daughter longer than expected. Can I cut them? (September 21, 2018).

Dear care and feeding,

My son was at a sleepover a month ago, under extremely poor adult supervision, and ended up watching The Babook. As you can imagine, it was an absolute disaster and we have since cleaned up the mess. You’ll think we’re ridiculous, but we ended up taking him to a therapist after the first two weeks of refusing to sleep and having to spend the night in our bed and dozens of questions about death, monsters, and ghosts. A few sessions actually seem to have done the trick, and he’s back in his own bed now and looking less like death reheated.

My question is, can we ask the parents who organized the sleepover to help cover the costs? I’m totally ready to hear, “No, that’s not OK,” but I have so much floating anger about the whole situation. The children were all 9 years old!

—Angry Dad

Dear Angry Dad,

SHIT. Oh, I’m so sorry. I had a similar experience with Lord of the Flies at a sleepover when I was little, and I know my parents cursed the other family involved for many years afterward. I grew up to be a horror junkie, and even I had to watch The Babook through the gaps in my fingers. It’s very scary! And not just scary, I imagine it’s particularly upsetting for children because it depicts a mother reacting to a bad situation in a psychotic way. I’m angry For You.

No, you cannot ask for money. You can register your extreme disapproval, you can refuse any pending sleepover request, you can write about it in a journal, but you can’t ask for money.

I’m pretty sure you already know this, and having written this question ideally offered you the catharsis that asking them for money wouldn’t. Know that you are right to be angry and that your son will be okay.

-NORTH CAROLINA

From: Dear Care and Feeding: My 9 year old watched the Babadook during a sleepover. (November 26, 2018).

Dear care and feeding,

We are a reasonably fit family: neither skinny nor obese, we generally eat well. I cook every night. Vegetables, etc. We even work together. But over the past year and a half, my 17-year-old son has gained between 40 and 50 pounds. He doesn’t seem to know why, and he doesn’t seem to care. I think it has to do with his sudden assertion of independence, when he got a car and a job. Suddenly he could go out and get a greasy burrito for lunch, and so on. The doctor gave him a harsh lesson during his sports medical exam; his girlfriend encouraged him to eat well. But he continues to consume soda and junk food for lunch and eat late at night. I’m a little mad at my husband about this too, because he eats crap, leads by example, and discusses my period with no soda or sweets in the house.

For my part, I am paralyzed. On the one hand, I don’t think the right answer is to be that parent, the one who talks about it constantly, insists on a certain diet, etc. With a 17 year old, how could I control his food? And it’s not like he doesn’t know his own size, and I don’t want him to think he’s defined by his weight. So I continue to prepare our usual healthy meals, buy those healthy groceries, and encourage him in his sports. And he constantly goes out to eat shit. But now I wonder if maybe I should be that parent. Maybe I’m failing him in some way by not…what? I’m not even sure. By not calling him fat? I’m not obese, but I’ve struggled to be average my whole life; I don’t want him to have to fight this battle.

So what is the current wisdom on managing weight issues in young adults? My gut tells me I need to sit down and let him be an adult, but my heart is breaking with worry.

—Weight of the world

Dear WotW,

You are in a difficult situation and I feel for you. It is incredibly difficult to desperately want something for our children without having the power to make it happen. But as the saying goes: you can lead a horse to water…

All your instincts are correct. It is important and wonderful that you continue to set a good example by preparing meals and limiting unhealthy foods. You have spent 17 years building this example and now it is time for you to believe that, despite what you see now, it was not all in vain.

I want to assure you that it’s normal for teenagers to celebrate their newfound independence by doing exactly what they weren’t allowed to do when others were in charge. I would be more concerned if you told me that your son responded to a sudden loosening of the shackles of parental control by doing literally everything his parents wanted him to do. That that would be weird.

Freedom is, of course, responsibility, and we tend to learn responsibility through trial and error. Try spending two hours at college, away from home for the first time. They are absurd, unbridled and absurd. Most of them return to something more reasonable within a few years. Some take longer.

Your son has all the support he needs. His girlfriend, his doctor, and his mother are all…