Long time reader, first time advice seeker!
About a year ago, following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, I had an argument with my “MAGA-lite” cousin and ended up cutting off all contact with her. Trouble once brewed over his proclamations that “I’m not racist but let me tell you about the Latinos in my county” and that “Trump has done good things.”
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The final straw was his comment: “For someone so educated, I’m surprised you didn’t use your critical thinking and listen to some of Charlie’s podcasts. He wasn’t racist.”
How can I begin to repair this relationship? She was one of my favorite cousins, and over time my extended family began to shrink through attrition. And when is the right time? Should I wait until after the midterms, or when we have a new president who hopefully isn’t a crazy person?
— Tired of being enlightened
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It’s nice that you still want to honor what’s left of your relationship with your cousin. After all, I’m sure it’s tempting to block your number and wash your hands of someone you don’t agree with. But if you want to have a relationship with her, it’s you who will have to take a big first step: you will have to accept her for who she is, that is, someone who may well be a “non-racist” racist who believes that Donald Trump has done good things. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially in these highly politicized times, where political differences are so fraught and have real impact. You will have to be willing to have someone in your life who believes very differently than you do.
It’s also worth noting that your cousin may also not want to pursue a relationship with you after you’ve had no contact with her, a step no one takes lightly. You’ll need to have a heart-to-heart and be honest about why you haven’t made any contact, and think about how you can move forward if you want to regain his trust.
Once you do, and you both agree to continue a relationship, see if you can agree on one thing: not talking about politics.
Remember what you have in common, especially your shared family history. Did you grow up together? Complain about your parents? Telling each other teenage secrets? There’s a unique bond that only cousins have, and a lot could be rekindled here.
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But set a limit: you will not talk about politics. Otherwise, you will probably find yourself in a contactless country.
As for timing, you may want to arrange a one-on-one meeting after midterms and before the break. The holidays are just too stressful a time for something this delicate. Keep it low-key: You can meet for coffee in a neutral place and gently explore reconciliation. But be prepared for the idea that despite your shared history, she might not want to reconcile and maintain a relationship with you, or that you might prefer to stay apart if you can’t overcome your differences.
I am an elderly man. My wife has a physical and medical condition that makes her unable to have sex. I don’t want to cheat, but I still want to have sex. What can I do?
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— Want sex without cheating
Perhaps the hardest part of marriage vows is “in sickness and in health,” and I sympathize with you and your wife.
Are you and your wife capable of having any form of physical intimacy? I’m talking about hugs and kisses, the kind of non-sexual intimacy that is essential to a marriage. If she can, you’ll need to consider whether that and personal pleasure is enough for you.
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But you asked this question, so I guess that’s not the case. You might want to take a drastic step and consider opening up your marriage. Open relationships aren’t just for the young and adventurous, and this would be the most ethical way for you to get your needs met, as long as you and your wife mutually consent to it.
There are important parameters and boundaries that you will each need to communicate and negotiate. What does an open relationship look like for you both? Are you looking for short term or longer term deals? Are you looking for sex or sexual intimacy? How do you treat these partners outside of marriage? These are all things you and your wife will have to decide.
This is not the easiest route to take. This requires a lot of honest and open communication and consent, but ultimately it may be the most fair for each of you.
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What advice would you give in these situations?
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Gn Health
