Sex tip: I started seeing a woman and her husband. We have managed to do the seemingly impossible.

Each month, How to Do It columnists Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak ask readers what they think on the letters they received. In this edition, Rich responds to reader comments and suggestions below.

Hey, how to do it,

This is in response to “I don’t bite, I swear”, regarding the woman who wanted a friendly relationship with benefits. I actually think what she said makes perfect sense (although I bet she regrets mentioning the laundry example, given how obsessed everyone was with it). I myself have had both a boyfriend “relationship” and a friends with benefits relationship, and they had obvious differences. When I was 21, I had an arrangement with a 31 year old guy. We dated casually for a few months, but we never went out to eat or watch movies or do anything other than meet up to have sex. We talked a little, but it was just polite small talk to end the main purpose of sex.

After that, I went into a friends with benefits situation for about a year. It was with a brand new friend that I had just made – barely a month ago. She invited me to join her and her husband in an ethical, non-monogamous situation. From the start, I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in long term or romance, but short term fun as friends with benefits sounded good to me. We watched movies, hung out without having sex every time, invited each other to social events and gatherings, even took road trips, etc. The FWB girl eventually developed feelings for me, but I let her know that my outlook hadn’t changed, and we were able to handle it maturely. It’s been over a decade now and we’re still close friends (they’re still together with kids now, and later I got married and had a kid too).

It may be a little easier to be a FWB in a same-sex relationship (I was also with the husband, but my main friendship was and still is with the wife). I think for those who would say I feel like I was more than FWB with the couple, the main differences for me were that I didn’t want long term and I didn’t feel a sense of “romance”. We were really just good friends who also had sex.

Overall, I don’t think the letter writer is wrong, and I think there is a clear distinction between fuck buddies and friends with benefits that can absolutely work. She might have better luck if she said she was looking for something short-term but consistent, a casual friends with benefits situation. And then see if it’s natural to go out and watch a movie after sex, etc. But for your laundry, it’s probably best to stick to a laundromat.

—Friends with benefits exist (she/her)

FWBs certainly exist. But look at your particular case: you were friends with someone, and then it turned into sex. I don’t know if you came in with a plan and it worked for you, but I’m guessing it didn’t. The main thing that struck me about this letter was that it would be difficult to get everything the author was looking for, especially given how vague these definitions are. What you lay out in your letter makes perfect sense, but because these terms are defined more subjectively, the distinction between fucking boyfriend and FWB for you may not be the same for someone else. Of course, people specifically look for and find friends with benefits, but this is best achieved with a flexible approach to how that might work and, yes, leaving laundry out of the equation entirely.

Hey, how to do it,

I’m surprised the possibility of leaving clothes on during sex wasn’t brought up in Rich’s response to “Training Big Guy.” (Rich is generally a pragmatist!) Granted, I’m not sure what all the “shirts and other shapers” might entail, but there is some really creative men’s lingerie with strategically placed openings, especially from brands that cater to trans people. I know I find it easier to say “Item X doesn’t come off” than to discuss my personal health journey, especially when I’m still getting to know someone. And a successful relationship can go a long way toward building confidence, even if finding a long-term partner to be naked with is the ultimate goal.

—Tasteful never naked

This is an excellent point, and it would probably save a lot of heartache. Definitely an oversight on my part, and I blame myself because I’ve seen this happen in my life. Most egregiously, a man I had a relationship with wore a baseball cap the entire time we were together, including when we cleaned up together in the shower after sex. I thought he was bald and embarrassed, but I didn’t mind. My point is that while keeping clothes on conveys insecurities, at least they’re vague and invisible, which is probably better than exposing them to a virtual stranger.

Hey, how to do it,

Hi, I am an escort and fan of the column. I wanted to offer a solution to Want to Figure It Out’s recent question regarding her husband’s short stature and lack of fun.
One option that hasn’t been mentioned is a penis sleeve (also called a penis extender sleeve). These are wearable silicone sleeves that can add length and/or girth while still allowing intimacy between partners. For couples where penetration is limited by anatomy rather than desire, they can be a practical solution, especially when combined with other forms of stimulation like a vibrator. I hope he’s in there!

—Ready to help you figure it out

It’s definitely an option. I admit to having no experience with these aids, and I’ve long wondered how good sheathing your penis in something this thick might feel in the end. People hate condoms, and they’re millimeters thick! I imagine that with this kind of toy, the sensations of the penetrator count less than those of the penetrated, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I’d love to hear from someone who has experience with these things, as I’ve always found them a bit confusing.

Hey, how to do it,

Re: The sheets have been through a lot: I was always rather surprised to wake up in the throes of an intense orgasm and a wet dream at the age of 35. Maybe it’s not as rare as I always thought.

-Awakening

It’s happening! Not for me (ever), so I’m jealous, but it happens. Consider it a sign of a healthy libido, or perhaps prolonged sexual abstinence. Maybe both!

More advice from Slate

I was wondering if you‘Do you have any tips for masturbating less? (Sorry if this is TMI.) I‘I’m a cis woman in my early 20s, and I tend to manually masturbate every night to orgasm right before bed, but I‘I would like to reduce for several reasons…