Sex tip: I’m a woman in my 20s and I don’t get the sex I want. I know what’s holding me back.

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Dear how to do it,

I, a woman in my twenties, only recently became sexually active, but after the end of that relationship and a short series of exceptionally disappointing relationships with another partner, I found myself in a rut. I started having sex a little later than average due to a complicated relationship with my own sexuality.

Even though I’ve always wanted to have regular sex, I very rarely feel horny because I rarely find people I’m attracted to. Even though I regularly go through periods of masturbation, I never really get aroused. Porn and erotica never do anything for me. I always thought I’d just need someone else to get me into it, and that turned out to be true, but I wasn’t attracted to either of my partners (both men) and didn’t get much out of sex. This hampered both my performance and enjoyment and only increased the anxiety I felt due to my inexperience. I also feel a little bad for my partners who have sex with someone who isn’t very interested.

Although frequent, casual sex is very attractive to me, I feel unable to commit due to my lack of experience. A few people who I find physically attractive have shown significant interest in me, but I have ignored their advances due to my performance anxiety related to my inexperience (especially since no one expects me to be inexperienced). I don’t have any good answers to the question “What turns you on?” » and I almost never meet people I want to sleep with. While I’m certainly not asexual, I’ve always felt like I don’t relate to sex in the same way that other people do. I really like the idea of ​​being somewhat dominant and teasing, but I don’t feel confident enough in my ability to please a partner to do it. I also want to be the beneficiary, but I can’t find anyone I find attractive enough for me to enjoy it. I recognize that the logical answer to my problems is simply to have more sex, but I can’t seem to get into it enough to follow through. Help!

—Asexual and anxious

Dear Asexual and Anxious,

Although some people begin exploring sexuality earlier, and a subsection of them make an intensely energetic project of this quest for knowledge, the early twenties are not behind the average timeline. Many people also wait until decades later to consider their desires, preferences, and adventurous practices, or even to have sex.

I’m not sure the logical answer to your frustrations is as simple as “have more sex,” especially when you’re not involved enough to be able to proceed with the sex in question. You almost never get aroused during masturbation or by potential partners. You’ve looked into asexuality and discovered that the label doesn’t fit you, and the reasons why it doesn’t fit might help you understand yourself better. You can also explore what has been attractive or exciting on the rare occasions when you have felt excited or been physically attracted to someone. Another thing to consider is Why you want regular sex. And getting more specific about what you like about the idea of ​​domination (as a giver and as a recipient) will probably be at least somewhat fruitful. All of these leads can provide clues about what might be interesting enough, or excite you enough, to let go, move past the fear of embarrassment, and gain the experience that leads to confidence. Having sex you’re not interested in, or trying to do, is very unlikely to have the effect you’re hoping for.

If you haven’t tried searching for erotic material that depicts the kind of gentle domination and teasing that appeals to you, I would make an effort. If there are BDSM events that are calmer, you can attend them and refuse to play unless you are seriously into someone, but observe if anything turns you on. Otherwise, know that it’s pretty common to learn and find your feet in your 20s, and stick with it until a specific situation and partner really turns you on.

Dear how to do it,

I’m a 32 year old woman and I have a long-term friend who I’ve dated occasionally and who has always been a fun and supportive part of my life. Our unique encounters have always been kinky with a clear dominant/submissive dynamic, which makes me itch to be a submissive, and he recently proposed something that I’m very much considering. He always had a service sub-fantasy and asked me if I would be open to an arrangement where I would come to his apartment on a semi-regular basis and do some domestic chores (cooking, cleaning, etc.) while wearing only a thong and giving him unreciprocated blowjobs in between. At the end, he slipped me an envelope containing cash.

The wildest thing is that I find the idea of ​​being used like that by this handsome, sweet man really sexy. He’s always been good to me and I trust him implicitly, and it’s not like I’ve never gotten on my knees for him before. Like many of us today, I wouldn’t mind money either. Is there anything I should keep in mind before jumping into what is essentially a role-playing game for money, or should I just enjoy getting paid for my speaking and cooking skills?

—Consider being a thong maid

Dear Consider,

Aside from the fact that most governments and legal systems would consider this arrangement to be full-fledged and completely illegal prostitution, and the risk involved in such practices, it appears that communication between the two of you would be clear, your boundaries would be respected, and it would be a mutually agreeable arrangement. Although the perspective of local law should absolutely be taken into account, you are completely free to view this arrangement in the light in which you see it: two views of the same event can be valid simultaneously.

But you should be aware that you and your friend could face legal consequences, and the courts are unlikely to be swayed by your position that this is a role-playing game with a bit of money exchange at the end. It is important that you both consider this risk very carefully before proceeding.

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Dear how to do it,

I am a woman in my fifties and I have been in a committed relationship for a year with my partner, a man in his fifties. My body seems to have woken up. By that I mean I’m suddenly ticklish (almost everywhere) and I enjoy him picking on me, which I previously avoided because it was like a dog chewing on a bone.

As much as I enjoy it (especially if it starts slowly), the increased sensitivity is like torture, and I can’t take it for long and never come. My partner really wants to please me and I have to tell him to stop because I can’t take it anymore. I laugh hard, I writhe and I’m hysterical. I try to control myself and I can hold on a little longer, but I’m afraid that if I succeed too much, I’ll deaden any feelings. Any suggestions? I don’t know if I’m in perimenopause.

— Ticklish to the Antipodes

Dear Ticklish Down Under,

I wonder if a slower approach, like taking pauses when you start laughing, might give you time to adjust to the sensations and your new way of experiencing them. It’s also worth trying progressively firmer sensations to see if there is a pressure that allows you to feel your partner’s sexual stimulation without being ticklish and, ideally, in a way that gives you pleasure. Explain to your partner what you are experiencing and what you hope to achieve, and invite them to collaborate with you to experience this. The fact that he is motivated to please you means that he is probably ready to embark on the adventure of investigation.

—Jessica

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