Colin Jost returned as a particularly rowdy Pete Hegseth on this week’s “Saturday Night Live,” welcoming sailors home aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln after nearly a year at sea.
The October 10 skit opened with an introduction to the ship’s returning crew, who were told that before being reunited with their families, they would first have to hear from “the guy who put you on the boat in the first place.”
Enter Jost’s Hegseth, sporting an ammo belt filled with miniature bottles of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, “the only alcohol designed to taste better on the way back.”
“How are you sailors this evening?” » Hegseth asked the crew.
“We are bad,” they replied.
“I heard great,” he retorted.
The sketch took aim at reports of deteriorating conditions aboard the aircraft carrier, including plumbing problems and mental health issues among the crew during its extended deployment.
“I couldn’t be more proud of you. Only eight of you have attempted suicide. Two of you since I started speaking,” remarked Hegseth de Jost. “You have flown more than 3,000 combat missions and you have done so without any casualties, no theft incidents, and no working toilets.”
He then paid tribute to a particularly brave sailor who managed to hold his bladder for 300 days rather than complain about a broken toilet. When the sailor asked if he could finally relieve himself, Hegseth directed him to a Starbucks three blocks away.
Hegseth de Jost also briefed the sailors on some of the Trump administration’s latest land activities, including plans for a televised execution in December. “Public executions are back, a bit like ‘Scrubs,'” he announced, adding that if the prisoner survives the firing squad, he will have to fight Jake Paul.
He then proudly unveiled the War Department’s new eagle logo, which drew comparisons to Nazi imagery.
“Sorry, is that a Nazi eagle?” » » asked a sailor.
“It’s an American Eagle with a Nazi vibe, okay?” Hegseth replied.
The sketch then featured James Austin Johnson as RFK Jr. to provide an equally questionable update on the health of the country.
“I am pleased to report that America is healthier than ever,” Johnson’s Kennedy began, in the health secretary’s characteristic croaking voice. “That’s why I’d like to officially rename cold and flu season to cold, flu, listeria, measles and trench brain season.”
He also discussed recent meat recalls, assuring Americans that catfish, pony and cricket remain “valuable proteins,” before revealing that the recalled products had been tested on sailors themselves.
“The research you provided on Operation Hell Cruise will be vital for years to come,” he said.
Hegseth concluded his welcome speech with a musical tribute to the sailors, quoting Linkin Park’s “In the End.”
“You tried so hard and you made it this far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter,” he sang, before thanking the crew for being willing to go down with the ship – even if it broke his “personal rule to never go down on anyone.”
This cold open comes just two days after the real USS Abraham Lincoln returned to San Diego following a 322-day deployment in support of the U.S. war against Iran. The aircraft carrier spent more than 260 consecutive days at sea nonstop, with reports of supply shortages, plumbing failures and eight suicide attempts among its crew.
Jost also appeared as Hegseth at last week’s cold open, during which the defense secretary drank Tom Holland’s Bero non-alcoholic beer while joining a group of Republican officials trying to drum up enthusiasm ahead of the November midterm elections.
This week’s episode is hosted by Shane Gillis, marking the third time he has hosted the NBC sketch comedy series since he was fired as a cast member in 2019 due to resurfaced racist and homophobic remarks. Rosalía will be the musical guest.
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