On Saturday evening liveVaccine skeptic Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced worrisome changes in how Americans should view cold and flu season.
Kennedy (James Austin Johnson) was introduced by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost), who was addressing USS Lincoln sailors returning to the United States after an extended stay at sea near Iran – a mission that reportedly saw several suicide attempts amid deteriorating conditions aboard the ship.
“Now I realize you all went home with a ship full of military-grade diarrhea, but your health is our greatest concern, starting…now,” the defense secretary said. “So here, with insight into how he’s making Americans healthy again, he’s the only guy who sniffs more Rhinohorn than me.”
Kennedy, speaking in a trembling voice due to his spasmodic dysphonia, insisted – unconvincingly – that America “is healthier than ever.”
“That’s why I’d like to officially rename cold and flu season to: cold and flu and listeria and measles and trench brain season,” he said, in the midst of the worst measles year the country has seen since 1991. “We’re also studying something called testicular dementia.”
Kennedy continued, “And yes, 200,000 pounds of pork, beef and goat meat have been recalled, but I just want to point out that catfish, pony and cricket are viable proteins for any American family. But I want to thank you. We were able to spot these recalls early by testing the meats on your ship. The research you provided on Operation Hellcruise will be vital for years to come.”
Kennedy, as he tried to deliver his closing remarks, seemed flustered, then suddenly adopted a new voice: “And it has been a great pleasure for me to speak with you. »
Hegseth continued, but not before commenting on how he’s looking forward to having “a really sad pull-up contest with this guy later.”
“So, in conclusion, you have spent over 300 days on the USS Lincoln. Well, let me quote Lincoln—Park,” he said. “‘You tried so hard and you made it this far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.'”
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