Sometimes you meet a video game character who is your soul mate, separated from you by the unbreakable walls of your television screen and gigabytes of code. Like many people today, I play through the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time remakeand much of the pretty N64 game is familiar to me as someone who played the game for months at a time in elementary school. But as I entered Castle Town, the town’s jubilant square, I met a man who has a new role in the remake, and I need him to teach me his ways.
There’s a Dorito-shaped man inside Ocarina of timeRemade Castle Town which has no real name, but is known as the bearded guy from Castle Town. He’s tall, imposing, and has a royal-as-shit “mane” that hangs over his face and across his giant chest. Obviously Nintendo knew they were creating a new character for Zelda the fans are thirsty as they do Lady Bombchubut it’s clearly aimed at a specific demographic of muscular, scruffy gay guys. If I wasn’t already drawn to his design, I stopped when he told me that his beard acted as a “beacon” that could locate other bearded men throughout Hyrule.
Brother, what?
At first I thought he was brand new to the remake because I didn’t remember a character in his role, but it turns out he was there in the background, but didn’t have superpowers, or whatever was going on. The game uses this gag to tell you about Talon, the owner of the Lon Lon Ranch whom you meet later in the game, who also has a beard. This is a silly way for the game to direct you towards a secondary objective, which will lead you to acquire a horse to help you get across Hyrule faster than on foot. However, that doesn’t even worry me. Why doesn’t my beard give me the power to find other bearded men? Do you know how many places I went looking for bearded men? Places I wouldn’t go with a gun! Where is this firmware update for Muscle Gay? How long do I have to go to the gym before my beard has access to wifi and can connect directly to other bearded men without having to pay for a Scruff membership?
Well, until I discovered this, at least I had this amazing image for my future dating profiles:
Update, 5/11/26, 3:15 p.m. EST: Text updated to reflect that this man was in the original Ocarina of timebut I didn’t have that ability to find other bearded guys.
Gn tech
