Updated November 12, 2026, 9:20 a.m. ET
Have you ever told a first date about your toxic ex more than they probably wanted to know?
You may be enlightening. It’s a trend in dating when someone shares too much, too soon in a romantic setting, falsely creating the illusion of intimacy with a partner.
The term was coined by Brené Brown, author of “The Power of Vulnerability: Lessons in Authenticity, Connections, and Courage,” who explains it as when a switch is turned on and all the light shines through at full intensity instead of letting the light in slowly.
Amy Chan, dating coach and author of “UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts,” notes that daters sometimes put themselves out there because they’re afraid of being rejected if they share their trauma later in a relationship.
“In anticipation of possible future rejection, they want to put everything on the table and see if anyone is willing to stay,” says Chan.
Another reason may be lack of validation.
“Someone might share their struggles and how terrible past relationships have been in order to gain sympathy, and maybe even trauma bonding,” Chan says.
What the “spotlight” says about us
Philip Lewis, a Beverly Hills-based relationship therapist, says adults who didn’t feel heard or understood as children may develop the habit of oversharing in an unconscious effort to ensure they receive that as an adult.
“Some overshare, mistakenly believing that it shows a certain vulnerability that might attract someone. In reality, oversharing is not relational and is more likely to push your date away than attract them,” Lewis says.
Lewis says he sometimes views oversharing as a “stress test,” where someone who feels insecure about themselves or their past talks about it early on, thinking, “If you can handle this, maybe we have a future.”
This is often due to fear of rejection and can backfire.
“Most listeners will feel uncomfortable, unsympathetic, and that will turn them off,” Lewis says. “Rather than creating intimacy, oversharing signals a lack of healthy boundaries.”
What to do if you have been enlightened
Chan and Lewis say that if your date or partner is gaslighting you, you don’t need to play therapist or overshare to match their emotional intensity.
Instead, give them the benefit of the doubt and steer the conversation to a lighter place.
“You could say something like, ‘I’m having a little trouble contributing to our conversations. I’d like to tell you more about myself. Would you be willing to make room for that?’ or: “I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you in the past. I’m curious how you’re handling this today,” Lewis says.
If you feel too divided, take a breath and try to identify where this feeling is coming from. Ultimately, if you love each other, you will have plenty of time to build deeper intimacy in the future.
“Notice the urge and ask yourself what you hope to get from sharing,” Lewis says. “If you’ve already shared too much, name it and leave room for your date to open up: ‘I think I’ve shared a lot, quickly. I’d like to know more about you.'”
Charles Trepany contributed reporting.
Rachel Hale’s role covering youth mental health at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Contact her at rhale@usatoday.com and @rachelleighhale on X.
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