Key takeaways
- Feeling “wasted,” behind in life, stuck in grief, alone, or unmotivated are common concerns in therapy.
- Many mental health issues are common, but that doesn’t make them any less real or difficult.
- Therapy can help people understand their struggles, practice self-compassion, and find ways to make meaningful changes.
As a therapist, I consider it such a privilege that people let me into their inner world. I hear people’s triumphs and am charged with illuminating the darkness that few can see.
I hear everything: big, exciting news that my clients share with me, as well as some pretty lame stuff that makes me so sad to think another human could do that to someone. But between these two extremes, there are a handful of themes that I hear all the time. If any of these things resonate with you, remember that just because a problem is common doesn’t mean it isn’t real. On the contrary, it means that you are not alone in having difficulty with this.
1. Feeling “so screwed”
I absolutely don’t believe any of my clients are inherently screwed. I TO DO I think a lot of messed up things have happened arrived for them. Perhaps the resulting feelings or behaviors are undesirable to them or others, but they are a reaction to what happened to them.
I find that self-compassion is key to much of the work we do on ourselves. It’s really hard to take on deeper work if we don’t believe we deserve fundamental levels of care and kindness to ourselves.
One of my favorite self-compassion tools, which I learned through Kristin Neff’s work, is to teach clients to self-soothe by literally stroking their own forearms and saying to themselves, “Wow, I went through something really difficult, of course I’m struggling right now.”
Often we lash out at ourselves or others because our feelings have been invalidated, because we have been told that whatever it is is no big deal. Self-touch can regulate our cortisol levels, which will then also regulate how we perceive stress.
2. Thinking they are “behind” in life
Life is not a race: you cannot be “late” in life. But many people think so. I’ll be honest: as a 40-year-old single woman with no kids, I sometimes feel “behind” too. It is natural for humans to compare ourselves to others. This served us well when we were competing with others to avoid being eaten by a predator. We had literally evaluating our competitors to determine our survival strategy.
But today, behind our keyboards, comparing ourselves to others hurts us most. Research shows that spending more time on social media is linked to higher rates of depression and anxiety.
Typically, if a client starts comparing themselves to someone else, especially based on social media, I remind them that what they see on someone else’s feed is a highlight. Sure, you may see the picture of a “perfect” family, but what you don’t know is that one partner is dealing with a substance use disorder, and they had a huge argument right before that picture.
If this is a client in their 20s, I’ll also point out that probably until relatively recently, everyone was on a similar life path: graduate high school, maybe go to college. When you are between 20 and 30 years old, it is generally the first time in your life that you play without rules. It can be scary, but it can also be very exciting.
Part of our work will also be to deconstruct the origin of these visions of where they “should be.” Their parents? Their peer group? Company? A combination? I’m going to help them ask themselves if they really want to play this game. Do you want 3 kids and a picket fence, or would you perhaps be happier as a nomad or on a life path that doesn’t even exist yet?
3. Thinking they “should be done with this by now”
I often hear my grieving clients say that they “should be done” by now.
Our society places unrealistic expectations on just about everything related to mental health, but especially grief. Most corporate bereavement rules cover no more than a week, and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5-TR, classifies some bereavements as abnormal and disordered after a year.
But just as you and I might scratch our toes today and our wounds would heal at different rates, the same goes for our hearts. I often remind clients that they have spent X amount of time with their person, but they think their grief will heal in a few months?
Or I ask them to pretend it’s their best friend’s grief they’re telling me about. Would they say these same mean or unrealistic things to their best friend? This question gives almost everyone at least a little moment of pause, sometimes before they say to me, “No, but I’m different.” Yet all I’m looking for is to interrupt these well-worn neural pathways with a bump in the road.
4. Feelings of loneliness
As someone who had a career as a writer before becoming a therapist, a large part of my life takes place on the Internet. This means that I probably reveal a little more of myself than the average therapist, since I know that it is also entirely possible that a client has read what I have written on a given topic.
One day, as I began to reveal a little of myself to a client, it struck me: the experience of feeling alone is what was actually connection us at that time. Loneliness, I told him, is one of the most universal human emotions. It seems so paradoxical that feeling alone can unite so many of us, but we face an epidemic of loneliness on our hands.
To begin, I help clients normalize these feelings through psychoeducation; I then remind them of societal factors, like the fact that many of our interactions today are digital, that also lead to loneliness. I walk a fine line between helping them see the strengths that might have contributed to some of their problems and helping them see the places where they can change that. I never want a customer to feel blamed for their problem. Rather, I want him to see that he has the power to change many of the things he is currently dissatisfied with.
I also do reality checks with them to see if their beliefs are accurate. For me, I often feel alone, but I TO DO I have a lot of people who care about me. I tend to downplay how much I mean to others, so my own therapist helps me question that to see where I am. TO DO have support. It often makes me feel less alone.
Of course, a lot of people are truly isolated. I will help them see if there is are the people in their lives they can start to get closer to, or how they might find more people around a common interest or place.
5. They “just can’t get motivated”
We all struggle to motivate ourselves from time to time. However, if you’re having more trouble than usual concentrating or getting things done, you’re probably very frustrated!
I’m pretty sure every client I’ve seen has told me at one point or another that they have trouble getting motivated. I want to know what this means to them. Does “not feeling motivated” mean they can’t get out of bed and have difficulty meeting basic daily obligations, or does it mean they have expectations that may be unrealistic for them?
Depending on their response, I may tell them to do less because they are actually exhausted. On the other hand, if “not feeling motivated” means having difficulty completing basic tasks, I will help them develop strategies to make things easier. This can range from assigning them accountability duties to recommending a consultation with a psychiatrist to consider medication treatment.
What does this mean to you?
Whether you’re dealing with one of these common issues or something completely different, don’t hesitate to talk to your therapist.
We really heard it all. No problem is too shameful to bring to therapy.
Gn Health
