Penile Spots Tip: Something strange appeared on its packaging. I don’t like where this is going.

How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear how to do it,

The other day I noticed that my FWB had tiny brown spots on his penis and balls that looked like freckles. I hadn’t noticed them before and every time we met over the last year and a half. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I stopped giving him a BJ. We snuggled instead. When he got home, I googled what I thought I saw and found out it might be genital warts. The next morning, I told him about it in a text message and asked him when his sexual health was last checked. While he responded with a video and said he checked, he saw nothing on his member. But he never answered my question. Should I insist more or insist that he go to the doctor? For the record, I get tested frequently even though he is my only sexual partner. And luckily still tested negative.

—Is that what I think?

Dear, is this what I think?

What you saw had already shaken you enough to make you back away from his cock. I can’t imagine you would want to reconnect with him without finding a solution to your investigation. I would continue the conversation. You saw what you saw. He actually tells you no. This doesn’t bode well for open and honest communication, but you can at least counter it. Remind him that the spots weren’t there the last time you saw him naked and that your eyes, in fact, work. Also note that warts tend to be raised bumps, unlike freckles, so if there was no texture to the spots you might be mistaken. Don’t let it turn you on, but listen to it too.

I wouldn’t do it insist that he goes to the doctor so explicitly; I would say that until he is examined and his tests come back negative, you are no longer interested in having sex with him. Here you have to defend yourself. Definitely follow your tests. HPV is very contagious. If he has it, chances are you have it too. It’s not the end of the world: screening can identify precancerous cells that need to be removed. If you have not received the Gardasil vaccine, consider it.

Dear how to do it,

I have a problem that, in another context, could be considered an asset: as a result, I’m incredibly excited. All the time. I’m a straight guy about to turn 30, and over the last six years or so, my libido has exploded like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, not even as a teenager. I can’t stop thinking about sex, fantasizing about it, and fixating on it, and I can’t even escape when I sleep because it’s all I dream about. I’ve tried meditation and coping methods designed to quell intrusive thoughts and I masturbate constantly, but I haven’t been able to stem the flood of sexual thoughts that come to me at every turn. I’m excited all over. It even affects my finances, as I can’t stop paying way too much for interactive porn.

At first I thought it was finally deprivation waiting for me since I haven’t had sex in eight years, but I really feel like something is wrong. Is something happening with my hormones as I get older? Sex has never been this important to me before and I have literally never experienced anything like this, it doesn’t seem like something I can control on my own. What can I do to stop it? Please help me!

—Drowning and despair

Dear drowned and desperate,

It might have something to do with hormonal changes. Your testosterone may increase due to lifestyle changes like exercise, better sleep, and less stress. If you stopped taking antidepressants, that may have affected things too. Think about your life as a whole and if you have made any changes that might be reflected in your hormones and definitely consult a doctor. They can test your blood to see if there is anything going on with your levels and then advise you accordingly.

You’re right: a thriving libido is generally considered a good thing; it may be a sign that you are healthy and the alternative certainly makes some people unhappy. But a libido that works so well to the point of distraction has its obvious downsides. You may want to see a therapist, who may be able to explain how to deal with this problem, including cognitive behavioral therapy. Keep practicing mindfulness: It’s not something that usually works overnight and it’s a good habit to get into even if it doesn’t target what you’re looking to improve. In some cases, SSRIs are prescribed to help alleviate a high libido, but this method of treatment can cause unwanted side effects. Definitely talk to your doctor if you’re interested; they can help monitor and adjust accordingly after prescribing.

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Dear how to do it,

Is there a way to gain more confidence before having sex? My girlfriend and I are in our 20s and I’ve only had sex with her. Recently, she told me that she wanted me to learn more and meet her. But honestly, I’ve never been the best at it. I feel like I want to have sex most of the time, so I prefer that she also lets me know when she’s ready to play. However, I hear it and want to try to do it more often. How can I gain confidence here and not feel really embarrassed to come up to her and say, “Hey, do you want to go now?”

—Top shy

Dear Shy Top,

You might start using the language your girlfriend uses to initiate sex. Mirroring it would take the pressure off you of having to invent something new or risk appearing awkward. Follow the tone she sets and meet her where she is. Now, I for one don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying, “Hey, do you want to go now?” Franchise can be exciting. Since it’s something that’s out of your head, you might want to experiment with it as well. Maybe your girlfriend will also appreciate a hands-on approach. Also think about nonverbal ways you can initiate sex, such as touching or kissing. If you are tender and passionate (such as kissing your girlfriend’s neck), this can convey the idea well. Stay within your girlfriend’s boundaries, however. You should have a conversation to confirm that she’s open to you starting to have sex this way – you wouldn’t want to throw something at her that isn’t welcome or violates consent for a number of reasons, including that it would be completely counterproductive to the cause at hand.

Confidence can become a self-propelled machine after the initial push. What often happens is that you do what you’re afraid to do, it’s effective, and it makes the next time even easier. You won’t get there without the initial jump, but once you do, you may wonder what the problem was in the first place. If you can go at any time, choose a time when you’re both comfortable and ask her, in words appropriate to your dynamic, if she’s in the mood. And then go ahead.

You can experiment here and find that initiation is still difficult. There are people whose sex drives are more reactive, meaning they require an outside stimulus (like interest/excitement from a partner) to get going, and there are people who tend to be more spontaneous, in terms of libido. You might be reactive and that’s okay, it would just mean that you would need your girlfriend to initiate more than not. Beyond that, we sometimes find ourselves locked into patterns with our partners. For whatever reason, one person becomes the one who gets things done, and that dynamic works. You’re eager to try being more in charge here, so experiment, but if you find that it just doesn’t feel natural, have a conversation with your girlfriend, letting her know that, in fact, it would be better if she kept calling the shots.

-Rich

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I’m a woman and I’ve been dating a man on and off for a few months now. Recently, while I was sucking him, he completely caught me off guard. He pulled out and shot his load all over my face. He never discussed it with me beforehand, and it even happened in my hair (I had to cut some of it!). I’m beyond angry that he didn’t explain this to me before he did it. He apologized and said he thought it would be okay for me since we incorporate some BDSM into our sexual routines and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Should this be a deciding factor?