Plus Size Sex Tip: I Accidentally Oversized My Penis. It’s great, but I’m scared.

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Dear how to do it,

What’s the problem with penis pumps? I bought one thinking it would just be a toy, after reading that it had no long term side effects, but I’ve been using it for about a month now and I’m noticing some changes in my cock!

I use it about three times a week, no more than 10 minutes each, and my goodness has it been fun. It grows about two centimeters with each use, but more important than length, those extra two centimeters are volumetric. This is much more growth than I expected.

But my flaccid penis also experienced changes. I’m a grower and circumcised, so I feel like I’ve grown new or more elastic skin around my foreskin (which looks like an accordion, to be honest) and my glans also seems bigger, even when it’s soft. Now, I was perfectly happy with my penis before, but after trying this, I would like to know if these changes are permanent. Is there a risk?

-Pump it

Dear Pump It Up,

If pumps could reliably and significantly enlarge men’s penises, you wouldn’t need to write it. This would be a known fact. It would be the law of the land. Every adult with a penis would be given a pump so they can maximize their size, because it’s something we care deeply about as a culture.

That said, pumps are known to increase in size somewhat: after a six-month period, participants in a 2006 study had an average growth of 0.3 centimeters. Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College, told me via email that it’s “not out of the question that men can add 1 to 1.5 cm” by pumping. So about half an inch in extreme cases – not anything to scoff at if you care about these things, but it’s hardly a game changer.

Besides recreational play and for the (mean) potential benefits in terms of increasing size, pumps are used for erectile dysfunction. For example, they are used to rehabilitate the effects of prostate cancer treatment. Welliver said the benefits are usually felt within three to six months and “probably doesn’t do much” after that. Penis pumps are generally considered safe. Many have limiting features to prevent damage to the penis. However, people with blood disorders and people taking blood thinners should be careful and perhaps avoid using them together. Some side effects include pain/bruising and/or a numb, cold, or bluish penis. If you experience any of these things, take a break until your penis returns to its previous state or consider stopping altogether. As always, if anything worrying happens, consult a doctor for personalized advice.

As long as your cock feels good and shows no signs of trauma, it’s absolutely something you can use to have fun and maybe gain some marginal size. Pump and be careful.

Dear how to do it,

I’ve been dating someone new for three months. I’m not the most experienced in oral but I’m not a total novice either. But every time I give him a blowjob, he, without fail, asks me to slow down or take a break because he’s weirdly very ticklish. I don’t know what could cause this feeling, because it would kill the mood to ask about it in the moment, and we don’t talk about it afterward. This has never happened to me before. Is this a thing? I mean, it’s obviously for him, but are there any moves I should avoid?

—Not tickled

Dear not tickled,

Penises certainly vary in sensitivity. I wonder if your man is literally ticklish, which is entirely possible, or if he’s prone to premature ejaculation and asks you to slow down/take a break because he feels like he’s going to cum. In other words, is he actually ticklish, or is he “ticklish”?

Regardless, you should follow up with him for further clarity. He wasn’t afraid to ruin the mood with advice, so at the very least he should be able to do that throughout the process. If you’re into his blowjob while you’re sucking him off, ask him to tell you about it. Some guys like to be sucked very slowly and gently. Edging a man with your mouth almost always requires explicit communication, because in its absence you will make him tug, which then ends the edging session and, if too early for his liking, defeats the purpose.

Whether you do it during or after sex, following up and asking him exactly what he likes and what you should avoid is completely acceptable and here it seems necessary. If he likes to get head, I promise him that he wants the best head possible and that the surest way to achieve that is to communicate clearly and directly. My advice is to refrain from deep throating him, as it might hit all of his ticklish spots at once, or might contribute to depriving him of something that really works for him. That’s why I think it’s best to have this conversation between the two of you. A particularly sensitive penis requires a specific conversation about how to treat it. Ideally he would have debriefed you by now, but since he hasn’t done it in full, ask for more information and tell him you’re doing it for the sake of his blowjobs.

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Dear how to do it,

I am a trans-masculine butch in a loving, wonderful, amazing relationship with a currently non-operated trans woman. The majority of the time we have sex, it consists of foreplay and oral, and we both find them very satisfying, even if they don’t meet standard cisheteronormative expectations for sex. So what’s the problem, you may ask? We are both hypothetically interested in me using a harness and penetrating her anally, and we have tried this several times; however, we have only had complete success once or twice.

The process is somewhat intimidating and never plays out the way it does when we mutually fantasize about it. What usually happens is I spend some time fingering her, trying to get her in, and then trying to use the strap on. Either it will be uncomfortable for her and we stop before I get to actual penetration, and she feels embarrassed and I feel inadequate, or we start and don’t find a good position or rhythm that doesn’t cause my hips or knees to prematurely relax, and then we stop. We’ve had success with her riding my strappy cowgirl style, but she prefers to be more submissive, and I’d like to be more dominant, so it’s not particularly feasible. Plus, even though wearing a girth is a very strong gender statement for me, not being able to feel exactly what I’m doing makes it harder to move past it.

Are there anal positions that are comfortable for relative beginners and conducive to using straps? Or are there any tips we can use to make this easier for both of us? We are each other’s first sexual partners, so neither of us has much experience in this area. Not being able to have anal sex isn’t a deal breaker, but it would be nice.

— Tied and loaded

Dear tied and loaded,

Even though the perfect sex position has been elusive until now, you’re in a good position more generally. Your satisfaction does not depend on your ability to successfully perform anal. This is simply an improvement; the stakes are relatively low.

There are some moving parts here (and only some of them are in the flesh). If your partner finds anal penetration uncomfortable, you may need to work on it longer. Fingering/rimming is a good warm-up. You can also try using smaller toys on her, switching to a strap-on when she feels ready. Also see Dr. Carlton’s technique, which involves lightly stretching the anus with your fingers in different places to help open it slowly. You can also try using your strap-on on her before getting into the harness. Just use it with your hands at first to help it relax and open up. Then you can attach your sense of well-being.

The positioning will be really specific to the couple; there’s no real prescription to guarantee results because everyone’s bodies fit together differently. Just try everything. Something like entering from behind while you’re both on your sides can be extremely pleasurable and doesn’t always require sharp thrusts, but only you can determine if it works for you. If you feel like your body just can’t keep up with the demands of the activity, consider working the affected muscle groups at the gym. Bridges, hip thrusts, squats, and deadlifts could help make this all easier. (See this recent previous column for more tips here.) In the meantime, to ease the burden on your body, try standing next to the bed and putting her in doggy style. You may find that it is easier to move her body back and forth on the dildo, and she can help you with the thrusting. I understand that she wants to be completely passive, but maybe this is a situation where everything is not at stake…