You may have heard of “breadcrumbing,” when someone gives a romantic prospect just enough attention to keep them interested.
But what happens if someone does the same thing while already in a relationship?
This is called “cushioning,” a tendency in which a person in a monogamous relationship maintains backup options.
This can happen when someone texts an ex-partner in secret. This might look like keeping a dating profile or liking someone’s stories on Instagram and flirtatiously messaging them to keep a spark alive.
“Someone will cushion because they’re afraid of being alone or being rejected, and so having someone to lean on in case their current relationship doesn’t work out can help prepare them for the downfall,” says Amy Chan, dating coach and author of “UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter Men and Create Love That Lasts.” “Hence the word ‘cushion’ which allows them to land softly in times of grief.”
What the “cushion” says about us
“Cushioning” can involve the same behaviors as “banking”, keeping a range of backup options alive. The difference is that these behaviors go from inconsiderate to a real problem when committed within the context of a committed relationship.
Chan says the dampening can come from a “fragile sense of security and self-esteem.” Cushioning can also be a form of avoidance: someone has doubts about the relationship they’re in, but finds ways to get out of it secretly instead of resolving these issues by having a conversation with their partner.
“To feel good, they need validation from someone else,” says Chan. “The idea of not having an external source of validation is too uncomfortable, so they feel the need to line up multiple sources in case one runs out.”
Cushioning can quickly turn into “monkey banning” or “branch swinging,” lining up the next relationship before ending the current relationship. In contrast, a person who cushions may not intend to leave their current partner, but they are making sure they have a landing spot if they do.
This can be as simple as someone passively keeping their dating app profile up and running, but it can extend to sending sexual text messages, rambling to a romantic perspective on issues in their relationship, or providing emotional support that goes beyond that of a friend. And yes, cushioning can happen with someone’s ex.
Chan says that behaviors such as breadcrumbing, benching, and cushioning are amplified because people lack the skills to manage relationship conflict. So instead of having uncomfortable conversations, they avoid problems.
And the proliferation of dating apps hasn’t helped.
“If someone participates in one of these toxic dating trends, there are no social consequences. Whereas a few decades ago, where most people met through work, friends and family, you couldn’t get away with this kind of behavior,” Chan says.
Chan previously told USA TODAY that we shouldn’t be surprised that new trendy dating terms continue to pop up. Modern dating has become so confusing in the digital age, she said, that people struggle to make sense of their experiences — so they invent new words to process them.
“Modern dating has become so complicated that we need new words just to describe what’s happening to us,” she said. “It’s like we’ve brought dating difficulties into our public conversation in a way that has never happened before.”
More: Dating trends have reached new lows this year. What are “throne”, “Shrekking”, “Banksying”?
Is “amortizing” cheating?
Even when it doesn’t extend to outright cheating, cushioning behavior often backfires, according to Chan.
The amortization could fall under “micro-cheating,” unfaithful acts that might not pass the test of obvious cheating but nonetheless constitute a breach of trust.
And over time, these small acts of disloyalty can turn into a bigger problem.
“It’s about the fundamental energy of these actions,” says Chan. “Ultimately, if you are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship but keep the flirting channels open, you are violating the spirit of the agreement even if you haven’t technically broken a formal rule.”
Chan says a simple way to determine if you’re crossing boundaries is to apply the golden rule: If your partner saw the messages and interactions, would they be comfortable with it? Would you be comfortable with your behavior in the open air?
More: Gen Z is “except monkeys” – they don’t cheat. It’s not what you think.
What to do if you’ve been written off
For those who have been sheltered, Chan says it’s normal to feel the grief of separation and a sense of betrayal.
“It’s easy to say ‘don’t ruminate,’ but the reality is you’ll likely doubt yourself, wonder if there were signs that there was someone waiting on the sidelines, and even doubt the reality of what you shared,” says Chan.
All of these feelings are valid, but it’s also not helpful to make assumptions or obsess over clues you might have missed. After a period of mourning, it is normal to reflect on the lessons to learn from this experience to grow.
“Were there issues in the relationship that were swept under the rug? Did you walk on eggshells without speaking your truth? You can’t control what happened in the past, you can’t control your ex, but you can choose to find the opportunity to learn so you can benefit from it,” Chan says.
And ultimately, remember that depreciation has everything to do with the abuser, not you.
“If you choose to pursue this, it’s important to define what your commitment looks like, what counts as betrayal, and to be on the same page about what type of relationship you’re in and what’s appropriate,” says Chan.
Charles Trepany contributed reporting.
Rachel Hale’s role covering youth mental health at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Contact her at rhale@usatoday.com and @rachelleighhale on X.
This article was originally published on USA TODAY: There’s a new trend when it comes to toxic dating: “padding.” Is this cheating?
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