Welcome back to writing, your one and only SNL in Review. You could be anywhere in the world right now, passively watching a podcast, but you are here with me. I appreciate that.
Tonight, Dakota Johnson returns to host Saturday evening live for a third time. She was actually at Studio 8H last December, appearing during Lily Allen’s performance. She also hosted in 2024 and debuted in 2015 while promoting Fifty Shades of Gray.
I’m joined again tonight by former actor Jeff Richards, who is excited to see the Truth star returns by trying live comedy. He suggests: “Well, that goes without saying Madame Web is the pinnacle of Sony’s Spider-Man universe. I remember when his parents appeared on the show during the Miami Vice / Working Girl days,” adding “The 80s was a fun time, I had a blast. A lot of my music in my new film Pay to die has an 80s vibe, actually.
It will also be fun to see Turnstile – along with Daniel Fang of Laurel, Md. – as tonight’s musical guest. SNL booked new wave, alternative rock, pop-punk and punk bands more than straight-up hardcore bands. Fear’s infamous 1981 performance remains the benchmark for hardcore/punk notoriety on the show, so a great story in the making. Scroll down to learn more!
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Cold opened
We return to RNC headquarters for a commercial shoot for the midterm elections. Strategists played by Ashley Padilla and Andrew Dismukes are finding a message to help beleaguered Republican candidates in November. Secretary of State Marco Rubio (Marcello Hernández) is called upon to help Hispanic voters. In Spanish, he gives a very, very frank answer about how he, like the voters, was misled by Donald Trump.
To help the Reagan Republicans, Mitch McConnell (Mikey Day) is deployed in a wheelchair. He is confused and can only hold up a peace sign before coming across a clip of “Live from New York…”
“Cut the trail!” shouts Secretary of War Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost). Thanks to him, the army controls its priorities and its sexuality! He opens a non-alcoholic beer and takes a sip. No one wants to hear Vice President JD Vance (Jeremy Culhane) – despite the audience’s applause when he takes the stage.
Finally, James Austin Johnson’s unruly President Trump arrives to deliver random messages: win or lose, he plans to claim victory. I love his jokes about Texas Senate candidate Ken Paxton.
In case there was any lingering doubt as to who the show plans to become its new face, Ashley Padilla was featured in a sophisticated photo shoot for TIME100 Next 2026 – the list of the world’s most influential rising stars. Complete with an article written by none other than former series writer Bob Odenkirk! I saw a tweet this week lamenting the sad state of the show that for the past decade its biggest superstar is…Pete Davidson. Padilla represents a return to the McKinnon-Cecily era. The kind of star your parents know…. At least that’s what they hope.
Monologue
Dakota Johnson notes that it’s her birthday when it strikes midnight! She makes a Madame Web joke, then notes that she went through two high-profile breakups with famous musicians. (She and Role Model, aka Tucker Pillsbury, broke up in August).
Her friend Taylor Swift stops by to clarify one thing: she is not Dakota’s therapist! I’ll be honest, Taylor gets some surprised applause here, as did Jeremy Culhane at the Cold Open. They should not be comparable. It’s an understated appearance, nothing like Taylor’s fantastical monologue when she hosted in 2009. (The less said about her claiming the city of Cleveland with a half-hearted “Woo!” the better.)
“Press your luck”
Johnson does a surprisingly decent impression of Elizabeth Banks! She is the host of Press your luckwhich she claims she agreed to do while drunk.
Sherri (Padilla) is one of the contestants and she is very loud and opinionated. She wins a million dollars…but keeps going. The Whammy cleans it. And she wins again. “Woo! Press my luck!” she shouts, addicted to the pleasure of playing. Ultimately, she wins $5 million! It’s the most money ever won on the show… but she still wants to try her luck. Turns out she just wants to buy some Advil. Padilla is thinking big here.
“Mean and scary girlfriend”
Has this ever happened to you? Your kind and supportive girlfriend won’t give you a straight answer when it comes to your clothes or anything you ask? There’s a new product that solves this problem: you can have a mean, scary girlfriend (played by Johnson). She bites, withholds compliments and only wants to have sex on the worst day of your life. “No, go get changed” and “Are your eyes cloudy?” » are part of his slogans. Admit it, you want someone with wild, unvarnished truths to help you through your day.
It’s hilarious – watch it.
“Hospital Gossip”
A few nurses are chatting in the dining room of a hospital. Eric from the legal department (Culhane) whispers to the group that Eric from the legal department is going through a very difficult time at the moment. He keeps popping in to make third-person confessions and share sad information about himself. “I heard Eric’s therapist just called him pathetic!” When Jermaine (Kenan Thompson) arrives, he has the real tea. Turns out, Eric has some good gossip after all! He’s just too unhappy to share it properly. Cute.
“Guns for women”
Freud once said that guns are metaphors for men’s virility. “Men and their weapons…” lament a group of women in this commercial parody. Dakota Johnson’s character has an idea: “Finally, a weapon for us!” » She evokes a weapon designed like the (blurred) female anatomy. There’s a lot of clever innuendo as the other women question its function and design.
It’s very funny. Look at him!
“Throne of Dragonborne”
It’s time to watch HBO Max! Sir Krestley (Andrew Dismukes) informs the Queen (Johnson) of the latest war maneuvers. She summons Sir Aleric (Ben Marshall) for the “start of sex.” He is distracted because his dragon is watching them. He asks him to leave. However, the dragon behaves like his pet dog and just scratches the door. His eunuch Johgo (Kenan Thompson) joins him with wise words.
Turnstile performs “Birds”
This performance starts with a very fun drum solo. Great energy. The crowd loves it. Jeff Richards comments that “Turnstile are one of the best Baltimore post-hardcore bands of the last decade, that goes without saying.”
“Birds” is a song from their album Never enough. The band won the Grammy for Best Metal Performance for this song.
Weekend Update
Colin Jost comments on Pete Hegseth saying this week that the army will have “no fatties, no transsexuals, no bearded guys, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals. Just warriors”, comparing him to most of Mike Myers’ characters. Other topics covered include: Texas politics, Kristi Noem’s divorce, the botched execution on death row in Tennessee. (Funny joke about Saved by the bell Also! RIP Dennis Haskins.) Michael Che talks about the Cornell 7 rape allegations while the camera pans to Jost, who attended a privileged Ivy League school.
Link of Legend of Zelda (Day) and Jason GTA6 (Hernandez) get out — The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time The remake is scheduled for release on November 5, just two weeks before Rockstar’s release. Grand Theft Auto VI on November 19. They call him the Barbienheimer of video game releases. The two characters discuss their different games and outfits. The day is very wide so far this season. Lots of attacks. And say something by acting in front of Marcelo. “I’m going to use a potion…right Che?!” Lots of jokes.
Joy creator Ryan Murphy is working on a reboot. And Kam Patterson is here to comment?! Che does not seem convinced. Are Kurt and Blain still together?! It’s been 12 years. Murphy better do it right, says Patterson! Che suspects that white writers suggested this to him and challenges him to name a character without looking at the cheat sheets. Patterson finally admits he never saw it Joy.
Che tells him: just be yourself. It is Why the show hired Patterson. Don’t do something like jazz hands because SNL tells him to do it to get on TV. He should talk about what he wants to talk about. That’s right. Patterson says he wants to talk about going to a strip club when he was 14. Or getting robbed during a threesome. Che keeps forgetting that Kam is from Florida… At the end he starts talking about how he got into The officea funny story from his stand-up. Great opportunity for Patterson here, bring them to the update desk – a tactic Bill Murray tried in an attempt to ingratiate himself after a rocky start as a cast member. I hope it works for Kam!
Debbie Mosh (Sarah Sherman) is a matchmaker in New York and she comes to discuss Che’s options. Lots of Che-centric work today! She makes a bunch of suggestions and her expectations are apparently too high. Sherman does some fun character work here. I liked these last two characters in the update much more than Mikey Day’s attack!
Sarah Sherman, Jane Wickline and Veronika Slowikowska play girls at a sleepover.
“Get ready with me”
The girls chat and start showing each other “Get Ready for Me” TikTok videos. After looking at some influencers, Sarah Sherman asks: But do they know Colorado Vicky (Johnson)? She is undergoing court-ordered electroshock therapy. She looks… sick.
Very good character work from James Austin Johnson as Sherman’s depressed father who keeps offering them snacks, before the lights go out in his eyes. I think Anne Beatts would approve of this slice-of-life sketch!
Turnstile performs “I Care” and…
Gn entert
